UK Counselling Services

I never thought I’d get through it

I first came to see Johnathan because I was stuck in an endless loop of misery, anger and betrayal. Some would say I had no right to feel any of these things. After all, I was the one who had left my wife of 6 years, and not the other way around. Some would say that I am the bad guy. That I am the homewrecker, the one who should be saying sorry, not the one who is feeling betrayed. But, those people don’t know the full story.

I married my wife shortly after my 19th birthday. She was 21 at the time, and pregnant. I was raised that you do the “right thing” in these situations, and that is why I proposed.  The truth of it was that I was on the verge of breaking up with her. I wasn’t happy then, and I certainly didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with this person who I’d only been dating for 6 months or so but hey ho, I had made my bed and now it was time to lie in it. I did everything I knew how to do to make life work for us. I worked hard at my job and followed through with promotion after promotion. We bought a house, and within two years had another child on the way.

Again, truth be told, I was not particularly happy during this time and as far as I could tell, neither was she. She didn’t like that I worked long hours, but also wanted a big holiday every year. My wife didn’t work at any point throughout our marriage because we both agreed that our children were better raised by one of their parents than by a series of child minders. Still, I did all I could to put food on the table and ensure that we were financially safe and sound. On the weekends, I did all of the typical male jobs around the house like mowing the lawn etc. but felt like an exile inside the house. No matter what I did, she just didn’t seem to like me. A couple of years ago I suggested going to counselling, thinking that maybe we could find a way to make things better. “You go” she said. “You’re the one who’s crazy, not me!”. Things seemed to go from bad to worse, and I found myself seriously considering suicide. Nothing I did made her happy, and she seemed to find pleasure in ridiculing me both indoors, as well as in front of others.

Then it happened. My now 5 year old asked me “Daddy, do you have special blood too?” I asked her what she meant and she told me “Mummy and her friend were talking about my special blood, they said it was Abbey negative”. It never once occurred to me to consider what blood type my daughter was. I just never once entered my mind. Abbey negative? ABBEY NEGATIVE?!?!?! She meant AB Negative. I know that I have type O blood, and that I could not possibly be the father of this 5 year old girl!!! My world shattered before me. And just who was this “friend” that mummy had been talking to?

After a couple of days, I took a swab sample from each of my two children and sent off for a paternity test. The results shocked me even further. Neither of these two darling children were my biological offspring. My wife had gotten pregnant when I was 19 and told me it was mine. I believed her. A couple of years later, apparently she’d gone off and had relations with another man yet again, and gotten herself pregnant once more. During the course of the ensuing divorce I discovered that both children belonged to the same man. This was an older gentleman who my wife had been seeing on the side ever since I’d known her.

Working through all of this has been difficult, but Johnathan has been brilliant all the way through. He has helped me find the place in my heart where I can still love these two children in the way I always have, whilst keeping a safe distance from my very toxic ex. The divorce has been tough, and at times quite ugly. I’ve not wanted to raise a stink publicly because I know how that will affect my two children. I’ve worked with Johnathan throughout this process and he has provided me with the safe place and stability I’ve needed to be able to rant and rave when necessary, and yet still maintain some semblance of sanity between sessions.

I now have a relationship with my these two little girls that I will always consider myself “daddy” to, even if I’m not “biological father” to them. I am able to have a sensible relationship with their mother despite my anger and bitterness towards her. Johnathan has helped me to compartmenatlise my feelings in a healthy way in the best interests of me, and these two little girls.

I can recommend him fully.

 

Brian P (Bishops Stortford)

I never thought I'd get through it